I'm not accustomed to the life style I have now chosen. I haven't been able to leave my family and all of the crap of where I am now, all of the crying and hate. When one person is constantly on your mind and you can't escape the rejection, or the constant feeling that you aren't good enough. Like someone stabbing a knife in your back every time you walk into school in the morning because you have to face everything you felt relieved to leave at the end of the last day. You have to face every stupid thing you said, and everything you wished you had the balls to say.
What I've chosen now is an escape. Am I running away, as an exchange student? In a way, yes. The opportunity to disappear is more tempting than anything in the whole world most of the time. But mostly it's not what I'm after. I don't know what exactly I want out of this exchange at all........I don't think the rotarians would be happy to hear that, but I don't really care. Something's pulling me away from here, it's pulling me towards a different language and different people and experiences that usually belong to older girls. Even though I'll be Seventeen years old this year, I've always felt like a little kid who doesn't get the joke. It's harder for me to connect with people my age, and what makes it harder is my condition of attention deficit disorder (oops, cats out of the freaking bag...). It doesn't always make me feel good about myself, and naturally the feeling is to turn to substance or destructive behavior. I'm so done with all of that shit. It's not worth it, and I don't need it.
It gets rough when I think about how easily people can fade from you. More than anything you don't want to lose them, but you have no legitimate reason for any more communication. You want to reach out but fear being shot down. You're moving halfway around the world, willingly, and you want to spit in their face for letting you. They're gone like puffs of smoke, clouds of water vapor that get sucked into the sky. You're still standing on the ground. Or are you the water vapor? No. For once I'm standing on the ground.
The boundaries that we've set for ourselves are our cages. Those who are free have put no limits on how far they're willing to go for the things they want or the people they love. And I wish that I was one of them.
I've jumped around A LOT, this is more of a personal journal entry than a blog post, but I am feeling most of these things because of my upcoming exchange. Hahah I don't usually put my feelings on the internet, but it's tough right now because there's a lot of negative energy coming from home, and I'm working like a dog so I don't have to hang around there.
I'm going to start over, in a way, I don't have a choice. The part of me that won't change is the part that cares so deeply for the select few that have made such a difference in my life here. Whether they know it or not. I'd like to think, mostly, that I'm not running away but that I'm running TO.
There are 21 days left until I leave America.
"Seek the light in between. Time and confusion glowing up ahead." -Brandon Flowers