Sunday, October 9, 2011

Questions/Deep thoughts

Many things go through my mind on a daily basis. I wish I could just stare at wall for twenty four hours and think. 

Was I put in France for a cosmic, universal reason? Does everything happen for a reason/or are we just all tap dancing on a roller coaster of chance. Where does it all go, what does it all mean? What is jealousy really, what is anger. Is it all within ourselves or can we really hate another. How can others make us feel pain? It isn't our problem, we know it's not our fault...but then how, at some times, have I just wanted to lock myself in my room and cry because of something someone else said or did. What does it really mean to us? Why do we allow others to control our feelings? And is our sadness from their anger a reflection of their internal sadness...or is it just us. Feeling inadequate.

Though I feel free to broadcast my opinions, my thoughts and feelings, in actuality I am a very private person. I think many know me as who I choose to be seen as, but select few know me as I really am. I've always known that I am an individual. I see things differently, I go about things in my own time and space. I feel things very deeply, and that can work against me when I feel sadness. But with that I can create passages of writing, or paintings, drawings. 

Why did I want to become an Exchange Student? I wanted to be a speaker of two languages. I wanted to experience and learn about another culture. I wanted to make friends who come from diverse walks of life. And in all honesty, I wanted to get out of Michigan, the midwest, and America. I want knowledge, I want freedom, I want truth. I want perspective. And this hunger and foolishness of the traveler will rest inside me forever. Yesterday was America, Today is France, and tomorrow the world. I will never stop, because to stop is for others who are content with the norm. And as mentioned, I am an individual in the extreme. This experience has made me content in that for the first time. 

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people." -John Lennon

I hope you have enjoyed a look into my brain. Enjoy your Sunday.